The Theory

I reached home last night and for the first time this semester asked myself: "What else is there to do?"

And realized I have none.

That was what I thought lah.

Untill I checked my email. Suddenly a list of to-do's flooded my mind.
1) Enroll in UNL
2) History 1 assignment
3) Macroecons assignment
4) Worship songs
5) Weekend trip planning
6) Another weekened trip planning
7) Yet another China trip planning
8) Farewell plans
9) Checklist of things to buy

The list stops there for now. So, I do have quite a few things to do. Oh oh......and:

10) Get Jessica to buy contact lenses - haha, I remember!


That, I remember but I can't remember my password to access my library account. I need to renew my textbook!

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I worked for the first time without KC on my emcee job last Friday. The roadshow was planned to be at Oldtown Coffee but because it rained that morning, when the crew arrived in the truck, the 4 of us sat in the cafe sipping coffee and eating breakfast. I've not met 2 of them and the other mister I've met once while working with KC.

So then the Theory of the Unfamiliar struck me. A term coined by AlexistheGreat sitting right there with the 3 acquaintances but originally from JesstheGreat. Theory of the Unfamiliar says that every unfamiliar/unordinary/unhabitual act performed comes with a lesson of life.

I was sitting in that cafe when the song 'Close to You' came blaring on the stereo striking the key of irony so perfectly. One of the girls even started singing along. I can't help but laugh at the awkwardness. When it was time to speak into the mic later in the afternoon, I asked God, what am I supposed to say? Where's KC to bail me out? How can I be a good emcee? It turned out good eventually and the bosses were happy with my debut act. I was happy I got through the day without much humiliation. The bosses were (again) acquiantances.

Lesson learnt? I need to practice more frequently how I should present myself to new people I meet. I'm after all a future journalist who'd be interviewing strangers. How can I appear friendly, not overfriendly and approachable?

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It was Sharon's birthday celebration yesterday. All 8 of us were there. The clan. The origin of the clan at least. I never thought I'd say this, but I love reunions. When everyone finally turned up yesterday sitting at the table, I can't help but feel the buzz of the reunion. Each were hugging and shouting "Hey! How you've been?"

We ate and ate and ate. I loved my waffle with maple syrup. In the end they fed me with 'special' soup of sauces, raw salmon, pepper, ice cream, jelly and Idon'tknowwhat.

See the raw salmon floating in ice cream, sweet sauce, and every other thing?

Yay! I'm playing guitar for CF this Friday!

The Ingrid and Jason

Happy song with nice lyrics. I want to go to South of France! - wherever that is.

The Summary

Dad is back after almost 2 months in China. We picked him up from LCCT on Sunday afternoon. Because a GT race competition was going on in Sepang, we had to take a big round circling the airport. The best part was the road just outside the tarmac fencing. We could see airplanes lifting off beside us, the control tower and the lights. It was really beautiful and a sight to behold.

We waited for almost an hour before dad finally emerged behind the glass doors. There were a few false alarms from mom; she couldn't recognise her hubby after merely 2 months. Whilst waiting, I saw a mom waving excitedly at her kids and husband when they came out of the departure hall. She went up to them and gave her sons a peck on the cheek. For that brief moment I was reminded of how airports used to feel like when I was a child. I remember waiting in the airport for my mom who went on a holiday in Europe when I was about 13. That anticipation. Have we lost the thrill because of the frequent flying these days?

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Right before we departed for the airport, we went for a quick lunch in a restaurant. While waiting for my food, I saw a man at the table next to ours praying. He had his hands clasped tightly in front of him, above his bowl of rice. His lips mouthed something only he knew. He prayed quite a long meal prayer. I watched him pray and told myself; I don't even pray for every meal, let alone pray so long. His other family members were already hungrily stuffing themselves with food. I assumed that his family members aren't believers of his faith and I could relate his situation to mine. That scene was amazing. It felt like God was in the restaurant amidst the Sunday lunch rush and that young man appeared to be so consciously praying that he looked set apart, like how Christians are set apart for His glory.

He reminded me not to take seemingly little things for granted. I thank God for providing me food on the table, socks for my feet, warm bed at night and so many more that I can't count.

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As the day draws nearer for me to leave, the urgency resurfaces. The urgency to do wacky things with friends whom I might never see again. JC and I was talking on the way home and the idea of touching the 4 corners of Peninsula Malaysia came up. It was inspired by an article I read about two friends who cycled to the 4 corners in 50 over days. They're Malaysians btw and boy they have strong legs. Since we're perfectly unfit city students and are having time contraints, driving became the next best option. Hopefully it works since I can't sleep over in KLIA anymore due to the flu.

I took a break from the library, lied down on the ground, and lifted my legs.

All talk of fun but not studies from me eh? Surprisingly, I have been reading the textbook almost everyday the past month thanks to my nerdy friend Jessica Loke. She has helped me fill the studying part since all I do is talk of studying but never actually doing it. And I've of course filled the fun part in her since fun wasn't really all that fun before I came in the picture. Haha I know I know. Weeeee!

The nerdy and the not so nerdy.

It rained again tonight as it rained beautifully yesterday morning. Oh and looking at this most recent pic of myself, I had a haircut! The shortest hair ever. Here's a short clip on my nerdy friend.

So what else? Oh yeah, back to history textbook.

The Florist

Han Sen feeling psyched

Jess and KC

Last Wed was the INTI Academy, oops, Academic Awards. It's Han Sen's fourth time on Dean's List, Jess' second time on President's List and KC and KT's second too I think. All I knew was a whole bunch of them were on the list. I was immensely proud of them; I even kept the booklet with their names on it.

This time being Han Sen's last round, I bought a pretty rose for him. And for Jess too of course since I wasn't at her first award presentation.

I was at the florist alone buying the roses, thinking why can't the shop owner understand basic body language that I wasn't interested in getting a huge bouquet. I'm a poor student who left her shop with flowers in one hand and leftover coins in the pocket. After my adamant insist on the cheap ones, the workers started wrapping the roses and I waited and waited.

When the lady boss went behind the counter to hand me my change, she realised her wallet was missing! "Har...." I said when she told me that. She was shocked of course and then together with her 2 workers, they analyzed the possible stealer. For a moment, I thought they would point fingers at me since I was sitting by the counter. They didn't of course and the evil me was secretly laughing at her misfortune, since she was so pushy with me earlier. Conscience kicked in minutes later and I felt horrible for her loss. I said thanks and goodbye and left. (I wonder what happened afterwards). Lesson of the story: Be nice to people.

My analysis tells me that if she was nice to everyone who walked into her pretty shop and showed them around, her wallet wouldn't have gone missing. The reality was that her 2 workers and her would be busy doing their flower arrangements when someone walks in hence the chance for the stealers.

Watching but not watching

I realized that I haven't been watching tv for weeks. So I went downstairs, switched on the tv and stared at it. I was watching; I could see the travel host talking about a certain destination but my mind was somewhere else; thinking again.

On a random note, I think I secretly like flirting with this parking lot guy near college.

Visa Approved

It's been a long day.

My visa is finally done. I'll be collecting it tomorrow, maybe. For some reason, I was afraid that my visa application might be rejected although I was told that the approval rate is high. So I prayed hard. I heaved a huge sigh of relief and walked out the US Embassy after the interviewer chimed "Ok, we're all set." Oh yes, we're all set. I'm all set. We do appreciate things more when we pray for it. Thank you Lord.

Mom drove me to the city center this morning for the interview. We were on Jln Tun Razak on a busy Monday morning. I looked around me and saw busyness.

I saw a great number of people quickening their steps to reach office on time and buying nasi lemak for breakfast at road side stalls. We went into a mamak restaurant filled with working executives waiting for the clock to strike 9. They looked immaculate to me. They caught up with work place gossips while sipping hot drinks. I looked around like a wide-eyed little girl visiting the city center for the first time.

I asked myself that question again: Will I be like them?

Jess told me she was thinking of how will we turn out to be in the future. I was silent because I didn't know. Perhaps I didn't want to think about it.

Working life felt alien this morning. At that moment, I was lost and confused in my own thoughts. Do I even want to be a journalist?

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EdCamp ended yesterday and it turned out better than my expectations. The bunch of fellas didn't need any ice breaking session to start mingling and having fun. I hope they felt part of the family and more importantly, continue the Edboard traditions; our newsletter and one day, a magazine.

That weekend was very special.

Soon, I will be with the One I love.

p.s. Dad will be back this Saturday (eavesdropping on mom talking). Oh and we're going for Jap buffet tomorrow. It's bro's birthday. Lol, mom talks loud.

The Heart in Giving

Over the years growing up, many have given me things during my birthdays and somehow, I have never been contented. I would think to myself "Hey, this is a cheap gift". And I would strive to give the best/most expensive gifts I could lavish on a friend I like, hoping they would do the same to me.

I think that the greedy me still asks for more of those gifts. But I learned something today.

Someone blessed my heart with a gift today. I thought about it. It isn't my birthday today or is today any special occasion. It was not expected and I was caught off guard. Lying therein on the first page, written on a note, says 5 reasons why I'm a blessing. I smiled and thanked God for giving me a chance to be a blessing.

And I thought about God's grace. His grace becomes so beautiful and cherished because it often comes at the least expected moment and catches us by surprise. When we think we don't deserve anything from Him or anything good for the matter, there comes the overflowing grace. The stuff that brings forth rejoicing. The stuff that makes me feel joyful in the most difficult times. The stuff that satisfies. The stuff that saves.

At the end of the day, perhaps the price tag on a gift doesn't matter that much. Some say it's the heart of the giver. I'd say the heart of the receiver matters too. We have to give and receive with the right heart and intention.

So there goes another lesson in my day. It's amazing how much we can learn by simply observing.

I will be with the One I love

Do you remember that time you promised to do something and didn't do it in the end? I feel it now and it's not a nice feeling at all. What I learned today: Don't make promises I can't fulfill.



I was prophesied over the same thing again yesterday; I'm asking "Where are you God amidst all these?"

Over lunch this afternoon, Seem asked a random question. "How's your room? Still the same?"

She's been over for a sleepover once, and Mabel did manage to peek in once during the Christmas party I think. Anyhow, I said my room looks the same, just with more clutter. Seem went, "Aiyoh!" (well she didn't say aiyoh but something like that).

I walked in my room after a shower minutes ago and took a sweeping look at my room. Yeah, it is small and cluttered. But then I remembered what I told my mom years ago, to which she gossiped to my aunt: Meeee, only smart people has clutter on their table. It shows that they do work. The stacks of books on my table helps me study better.

That was when I was 14? I found out later that my theory is quite true. Different people has different preferences and I happen to be the cluttered one. And I admit that the clutter does affect me sometimes (when it gets out of hand) and I'm left with no space at all on the table to work.

My sis finally passed her driving test (her 3rd time!). Now I can't tease her on her driving. And she finally realized that with God, she need not worry about her driving test. According to her, her examiner was really nice and practically taught her how to drive when she made mistakes. Awesome God eh?

God has been good in big and small ways. Each day, I'm learning more and more about His works in other people's lives and their stories inspires and stirs up a longing in me for God. I know that I'm now entering into a different phase in my walk with Him where I pray more and notice more in people around me. And I'm once again in love with prayer meetings. We used to have the 'Upper Room' prayer meeting led by Elroy. Every week he sends a text message to encourage us to be there.

One of it that I remembered very well was: (somewhere along the lines)
"I saw a lady crying in the LRT today. She seemed very sad and I asked God why. Brothers and sisters, people need the Lord. That is why we need to pray even more. 8pm tonight in church".

I want to pray more!

The Funeral

I just argued with him and hated that I cried. I stood before him trying to think of something smart to say but none came out. I hated him. I hated him for being indifferent.I hated him for not caring more. I hated him for being my brother.

I opened the green kitchen door and locked myself in. I saw a wooden knife block across the room and grabbed the first blade my finger touched. The sharp knife etched into my skin. I remember feeling the pointy blade on my sweaty torso.

I cried even more and quietly sat myself down against the kitchen door; both hands still on the knife holder poking at my belly. I cried because I wanted to relieve myself of the hurt. I cried even more because I know I can't do it. I thought of what mom would say if she finds me lying lifeless in a crimson pool of blood. I thought about my funeral.

A lady kindly ushers me to a seat nearer to the front. A friend called in a few days back to attend a funeral of her cousin. I don't know her cousin but I am here because I want to be a friend in need. Her cousin died of cancer at 16.

After the worship session, a pastor steps in front to share God's word. I want to be attentive to what he says but my limited understanding of Mandarin is hindering me. I look at the pastor trying to look interested but my mind is straying off. I'm wondering how would my funeral be.

"Now we welcome ____'s classmates to share about their time together in school". A group of teenagers one by one starts reading their scripts off pieces of paper; each trying very hard not to cry. I notice tears flowing down my own cheeks but at the same time I'm smiling. I'm thankful that I have lived till today. I'm thankful that I didn't thrust the blade into my belly when I was 6, that I didn't swallow the bottle of sleeping pills during the exam period, that I didn't cut my wrists deep enough to leave this world. I hope my friends would say the same of me when my time comes.

I wipe the tears with the back of my hand and get on my feet. I want to go home and tell mom and dad "Thank you". Slowly, I walk to my car in the dark street illuminated only by the moonlight. "What a beautiful night" I thought to myself.

I open the car door when a tall figure suddenly grabs me from behind. "Gimme your money. Fast." His blade is on my neck. I resist his grip on me. I elbow him and kick my legs back. He falls backward but almost immediately lunge forward to me. I feel a stab on the left and realize what this is. "Finally... you're here to take me away".

Dream it anyway, Sing it anyway

What about being a servant

Today I learned to open my eyes to see people for who they are and not judge anyone before getting to know them. It is normal, or should I say convenient, to prejudge others instead of taking the time to really know them. I also learned that it is okay to open up myself to others in relationships instead of keeping everything to myself. I have problem with trust I suppose.

I was reminded of servanthood today; something I've forgotten and lost touch with. I remember that session in School of Discipleship 2 years ago when pastor talked about servanthood. Many a times we run organizations, business and deal with our relationships with others using the worldly standard; the lesser serves the richer one, the clerk serves the CEO and so on. But pastor was talking about how Jesus, although being the Teacher and Son of God, He was the head of all servants, the servant of servants.

I want to be that servant, though seemingly insignificant, but puts a smile on God's face, because God notices humble and willing servants.

Awhile ago, Mei Mei, Shan Shan and I signed up for a mission trip to Dumai, Indonesia. We'll be off for the trip on 20th June but I have yet to gain approval from my dad. This situation is similar to the one I had back in 2007 for a mission trip to KK, Sabah. Dad and I had a huge row the night before the trip and he refused to let me go and said that he'll look for pastor and talk to him, or rather scold him. That was 2 years ago, and I was all out for God. Today I face the same circumstance but with a different heart. When everything boils down to complete honesty, I have to painfully admit that I'm indifferent about the mission trip. I'll go if he says yes, if not I will not fight for it. But I know this is the very thing that shows my faith has faltered and if I don't even desire to serve Him, what else is left of my faith?

I recall the words I scribbled on my notebook years ago. I love writing my feelings and surroundings in my notebook but always loses the notebook some time later. I wish I could have the ones I wrote in when I was 17 and onwards. I uncovered one under my desk that I had 2 years ago, the very days I spent in Sabah that I recorded. I had a list of people I wanted to pray for, Bible verses, plans to fast, about prayer walk. I wrote down the whole arguement with dad as well. I forgot that dad made me promise that I will not step foot in a church till I'm 21. That was the agreement we had in exchange for my mission trip. Yeah, I remember that now.

"I will live to love You. I will live to bring You praise"

"Every morning I wil sing Your song. It's the anthem of my life"

Other than the usual college stuff, my side project since the past week is to perfect my pancake skills. I've been doing it a lot of times but none came out fluffy and soft like the ones they sell in shops. More trying perhaps.

While looking up on pancakes, I came across a recipe for beer bread. I remember making it in Tioman when we didn't have much to eat. We had cheap beer from a bistro, onions, and flour. So I decided to make them into a Tiger beer bread and Han Lim went "Are you sure? Beer woh" and I went "Yeah can wan. The yeast in the beer will make the bread nice and soft. I watched it on tv before". Some minutes later, my bread didn't rise because we were bbq-ing it on a charcoal grill. I spread the dough out thinly like a pizza dough and put it on the wire. Instead of getting fluffy bread we got crispy naan-look-alike onion&beer bread for dinner. I miss camping.

The choice to be glad

Today I would like to talk on the subject of being glad for others.

Suzanne, a friend from INTI College told me an hour ago that she got accepted to a liberal arts college; St. Lawrence University in New York with a 50,000 dollars/year financial aid package. I remember the times she told me about her story and struggles to find a good and affordable institution to transfer to. She's worked her arse off subjects after subjects, yet, still find herself enrolling for the next semester; to buy time for the right moment to leave for the States. She sounded excited and jubilant when she told me this evening, "Alexis, I have something to tell you!"

I was immediately ecstatic for her. Great job, Suzanne, if you're reading this. But I also realized something; that I was able to be glad for her. I remember many times in the past the feelings felt when I hear of friend's achievements and was secretly envious of them. Why? Because I know I cannot achieve what they've achieved and at the same time I saw my inability for achievements a defeat. I was never joyful for many's success.

But today I am able to be genuinely glad for Suzanne because it came out of love. Quoting from Dan in Real Life, "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability". An ability is something perfected over time, a skill that needs sharpening and most importantly, a choice. My epiphany is: we can only be exceedingly and abundantly glad for people around us through love.