Semester Break

I had an epiphany while driving home this evening. It suddenly occurred to me why I procrastinated every assignment that came my way, since school days and up to my current college days. I used to think that it's the laziness, just the fact that I like procrastinating, and that I love working under stress at last minute. How surprising and at the same time not, when the epiphany was that it's the ego. I have the mindset that even if I handle it last minute I can still get good enough marks. The tactic has been working over the years, so I guess I'm reinforced to continue doing so. But doing so has put me in a state of immense stress and on the brink of breaking down. But oh well, those were the days I hope.

*Listening to Susan Boyle now. The lady almost everyone has been raving about.*

I'm on my usual semester break now. 2 weeks of them, with 4 days gone. The 4 days have been spent quite carelessly, 3 days on Grand Theft Auto 4, a few hours here and there reading the newly bought books - Diary of Anne Frank and Jane Eyre, and loads of sleeping off in the tremendously hot afternoon. The weather had been crazy and I believe it will go on for quite a few more days or weeks. It's such an irony that my breaks are always heavily anticipated only to realize I would ask my later "What am I supposed to do with the free time?"

I'm glad my dad said yes to my trip this time. I'll be heading off to Tioman Island with a friend next Tuesday then proceed to Singapore to catch Vertical Horizon perform in the Asian Beerfest. I hope it'll turn out to be great, especially the beach. Haha, here's my chance to tanned skin again. Just love the color. I'll be camping there, although I don't have a tent yet. Can anyone spare one, if anyone so happen to have one?

I've enrolled for next semester, just 2 sucjects. Partly to aid in my preparation for leaving the country and partly to have some time to pursue my other interests - music, sports etc. It felt so comforting and at the same time restless to see so much empty space on my timetable. Comforting that I will have so much time with a potential for so many things to happen, spontaneous, utterly out-of-the world adventures waiting for me, restless because those things will need some planning. Ahhh.....

Now that reminded me of Elroy's project. That'll be something cool.

The Girl in the Nissan II

That day, that nightmare, was years ago. But she could still feel the pain. Pain not from her collapsed nose, concussed head, fractured rib and broken leg, but the pain when she heard what happened after she knocked out.

The car that rammed into her car rear, unable to brake on time, was trying to swerve out of way. Hitting the right rear of her car, the driver steered the car far right and went over the divider. It collided head on with an oncoming truck. The accident took the life of a young girl.

"Anne! We gotta move now, or else you'll be late for your own convocation" shouts Anne's mother, snapping her back to reality. Anne stands up, straightens her skirt and heads downstairs...

"Now I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the class of 2009" announces the MC with a deep voice.

Anne is standing on the stage with mortar board sitting on her head, graduation robe hanging over her wide frame and a scroll in her hands. She can see her parents standing far off, applauding proudly like any parent would. "I've made it" Anne mutters to herself. Although overjoyed, she wish her sister is here today to see her graduate. Anne's sister Sarah died years ago...that day.

Anne have always wondered if Sarah's death ended her miseries in life.

Sarah had followed Anne's car after she left the mall, fearing Anne would get into any trouble and half feeling sorry for what she said to her big sister. After trying to call Anne several times but to no answer, Sarah texted her sister in the car. When she looked up, it was too late to brake.


"I'm sorry. Love ya big sis..." came in her inbox seconds before the crash.

The Girl in the Nissan

She received a text message from her sister asking when will she be going home. That day was another day to revise for the upcoming final exam next week. She has always likened studying at home to restlessness. She'd rather spend her slim allowance on the cheapest meal in McDonalds, plunk down her textbooks and begin studying. She was at the library that day because it was more economical. "I'm having Japanese for lunch", came her sister's text message. Immediately, she called and said she wants to join in.

Relieved to be out of the overly quiet library, she thought, what a coincedence. She had been craving for Japanese food for months now. Thinking whether she should order udon noodles with the savoury soup or some fresh sushi, she got to the mall as fast as her Nissan could bring her. There was a parking spot right after she pressed for her ticket at the machine. "Today must be my day" she thought to herself. 10 minutes later in the mall, she realized her cellphone is not with her but she couldn't be bothered since she told her sister to wait at the restaurant.

"I'm here to look for someone" she beckoned as she ducks at the Japanese curtains at the entrance. She walked around the restaurant; scanning from left to right and right to left but her sister is nowhere to be found. She wanted to ask the waitress to help her call her sister but realized she doesn't remember the number. Feeling frustrated, she walked back to her car 20 minutes away to get her cellphone. She called her sister immediately and lashed angrily at her for not being there. "I was in the restaurant but I left after eating because I thought you're not coming anymore. You know, you don't things you say you'll do" her sister defended.

Their sisterly relationship has never been how she wanted it to be. Her smarter-teacher's pet-parent's pride younger sister has always been the better one, while she is the hot-headed one and is only average when it comes to academics. Feeling unworthy at times, she covers up her envy with angry words and rebellious acts.

Standing in the parking lot, she felt her heart racing and her face hot with indignation. She was angry at her sister for such hurtful words but above all, she knew her sister was right. She never did anything right. "Fine!" she screamed and hung up.

Still hungry, she decided to head home. She was on 130 km/hour on the highway and her mind kept on replaying what her sister just said. She didn't bother that the speed limit was only 80km/hour and tail-gated the cars in front. She felt powerful to be fast on the highway and speeding is how she sometimes channelled her anger. What can be worse than being the lesser of the two, the adopted one.

Flashing her out of daze, a Toyota on the opposite direction on the highway was beaming his headlights. She knew it meant that there is a police block up ahead. Thoughts about her piling speeding tickets at home and her emptying bank account gave her chills in the bones. She knew she can't afford another. Without thinking, she stepped on her brakes to slow down the car before reaching the block.

BAMM!

A loud crashing noise of broken glass and metal hitting against each other came from the rear. She felt the hardest jolt. Her face was pushed onto the hard as concrete steering wheel and she felt her neck muscles tense as it resisted the inertia. She could feel her heavy head and a splitting headache almost unbearable. Blood trickled down her nose finding its way to her lips. "Why?" she asked weakly; half expecting someone to answer the miseries in her life and slowly faded into unconsciousness.

to be continued...

Living much?

I was woken up by mom's loud voice over the phone with dad (all the way in China now). They were discussing about a certain relative (not gossip) and the solution to a current complication - family disputes? I shall leave the juicy story to myself.

I woke up and cooked the exact thing I had for dinner last night. Something I've been eating for the past 2 days actually. Italian season in my life, aha.

Spagetti with tomatoes, celery (an extra, as an afterthought after seeing it lying seductively in the fridge), a few cloves of garlic, huge drizzle of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, basil and black pepper and chicken stock. Oh and tuna from the can. I was stuffed afterwards. Haha, yeah pasta works as a breakfast as well. No time is not suited for pasta.

I got an email from Ms Azian (PR officer of INTI) this morning. She usually emails me invites to movies screenings, which I would need to write a report on it of course. I thought it's the same this time around. Apparently not after reading the mail. It's the thing that Qisti told me about. About RTM doing a show about life of teenagers and young adults titled LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE. They'll do a shoot in INTI next month and she wanted me to gather my clan (Editorial Board) to answer questions by the host of the show. Like:

What would you consider as your blessings?
Should we always reflect on our past to become a better person?
How much of a role does vision play in our lives?
How do we instill the power of dream?
What is your definition of “living to win”?
How do you enjoy your life?

You know, that kind of stuff about life in general. Those were just a few of the 2 pages she sent over. Oh, in case any of you Edboard clan is reading this, tell me if you want to be part of the show.

Life will have to go back to the books. "I'd complain and after I'm done, it's back to normal. Life goes on", Lydia said that once (well, somewhere along those words lah).

Calvary Church Easter Musical

I just came home from mamak-ing with Elroy, Kester and Wai Min. We were at the Calvary Easter Musical earlier and our supper plan was slightly delayed when we (more of Kester) spotted a car that broke down and needed an extra hand to push it. We chatted a little with the mother and daughter, stranded in the parking area. Thank God their car finally ignited and off they went. I'm feeling a little sticky now from all the oil and curry in the mamak.

Anyway, the musical was good, not without flaws of course (I'm no being critical). There are plenty that they could improve on (as suggested by Elroy during our brainstorming session in the mamak) but the show was good for people who aren't professionals in the field. Kester, was a pro of course. He did the background animation for the whole show, plus the stage design as well and I recalled asking Elroy everytime I saw a design element on the way to the hall i.e. posters and buntings.

p.s. I lost my Honda Racing umbrella. What a waste.

This year's Easter does not only revolve around my home church. I was at Victor's church in PJ (St.Xavier's church?) on Saturday night for the Easter Vigil. I haven't been in a Catholic church in Malaysia. My firsthand experience of mass was in Sydney (which I attended alone), what a great memory eh?

Saturday's was a 3 and a half hour mass with celebration of light, reading of scriptures, baptism and holy communion. I didn't know when to kneel or say "thanks be to God" or any of the rituals.

There was one moment towards the end when everyone suddenly knelt at cue and I was suddenly the only one standing in the hall of 300 (other than a man on the right with a clutch). I felt all eyes piercing in my direction. A vast ocean of space was before me. And I could clearly see the priest (Father Simon, I found out later) in front of me. Was he also looking in my direction? I figured there and then I should 'vanish' out of sight and took a seat.

The mass ended at 3 am and I drove home drowsily, knowing quite surely that there is a possibility that I'd microsleep while driving on Federal Highway and ram into the side rails. I didn't of course.

My current favorite song is Forever by Hillsong. The one that goes, ' I'll worship at your throne, whisper my own love song...' I like the tune to it. It's soft and gives me the lovey feeling. And I had my first public performance with my dear harmonica in the car to Wai Min and Elroy.

Hmm, I think I should name my harmonica to enhance our musician-instrument love.

Of a different environment

I remembered that I have to email my lecturer regarding certain questions I have for the tips she gave for final exam (Politics). So when I was writing the email, and finally done with it, I hesitated if I should send it to her. It sounded bluntly obvious that I was asking for the specific question for the essays. I decided 2 minutes ago I will look up the textbook and find an answer even if I have to memorize a stupendously long explanation for a short essay.

Here was my email:

Hi Ms. _____,

I have a few questions regarding the topics that you gave us in class during the final exam reviews.

For the short essay section, what did you mean by Opinion of Judges? You mentioned amicus curiae brief as well, but that would be too short for a topic for 10 marks? And for Congress' power, I'll have to list all of their powers in the constitution?

For the long essay; Bill of Rights, I'll have to list all 10 amendments?

Yours sincerely,
Alexis


I have about 12 hours to finish up revision for Politics and History. Or else I wouldn't have enough time for Physics. It's the kind of work that makes me sigh. I would love it if the final exam becomes an assignment of 3000 thousand words, or a research paper. Okay, maybe not. Research paper sounds daunting.

I saw a girl dragging a table in a corridor earlier. I was and is still sitting in that same corridor. And I didn't offer help although my heart was yelling "Hey you, get up your arse and help her carry the table!" I was tempted to but then I thought, nah she can manage the mini table.

I switched to another studying location today - Help University College. Yeah, I snuck in hiding behind my sister. I'm loving every minute of this, mainly because no one knows me here so there is no possibility at all that I would bump into someone and start chatting instead of studying.

I can hear a group of friends two pillars away from my seat chatting about a subject they are studying. I bet they are doing some revision for final exam as well. They were kind of debating earlier how to solve some mathematical problem.

" x times this and this"

" no, no. Not like that"


Then comes along a dude whom they recognize

"Hey man, how's it going?"

"asodfsbsiucbisueef" - stuff I couldn't eavesdrop on.


I've been thinking a lot more about living overseas in the past few weeks. Thinking about it gives me the thrill. Of exploring the unknown, knowing the unfamiliar, making new friends, gaining better grasp in being a journalist, living with someone new, eating different kinds of food and cheering for the Huskers (football team).

Okay, okay. My day dream will have to snap back to reality.


p.s. I wish INTI is more conducive - like HELP (despite of it being a basement college). Haha. Had a good Good friday everyone? Easter is tomorrow!

What a day

I tried writing a post in college's library this morning but somehow the page wouldn't load and now that I'm home, I forgot what I wanted to write about this morning.

I was also caught by the librarian playing Burger Tycoon online. I was bored after pouring over the American Government textbook. I tried hard to understand and memorize the terms and the incidents i.e. Watergate Scandal, Marbury v. Madison, but they somehow don't stick in my memory. My goal is to finish up my politics revision tonight so I could start on History, and then get a well deserved break. A Saturday night out perhaps.

Today seemed an eventful day, maybe just in my thoughts. My mind ran wild with options and plans and uncertainties. I felt like a half-floating balloon, neither here nor there. Should I enroll next semester? What if I don't, what will I do? Travel? Where will I go?

Hours of that later - 5 to be exact, I had my psychology quiz, which added to today's grievances.

I prayed on my way home that I will let go and leave things to God. I realized how much I enjoy being in my car. It's my personal space where no one could interfere or disrupt me. I could blow my harmonica, sing as loud as I could to Coldplay or John Mayer, and sometimes scream - when things get out of hand. It's my asylum, my escape out of reality.

I've been checking the UNL website religiously, something I check on more than once a day other than my mailbox. And for the gazillionth time, the status still reads "Fill being viewed for admission". Although there is no reason why UNL would reject my application, I feel uncertain about my status. What if they really do reject my application? I've comfortably eased myself into the UNL family. I've given my details to Jac to be her roomie. And read everything there is to be read on their website. What ifs eh?

Final exam is next week, 3 days from now to be precise. This semester has been the toughest, but tough times don't last, tough people do eh? I'm the hardy one...hardy harr!

p.s. I've finally signed up on Twitter. So I'm a Tweeple now.